An unexpected manuscript showed up in our inbox. We were immediately convinced of its authenticity and decided we had to share it with you. It was accompanied by the following note:
Hi, there. Hows life working out? Who am I? Thats for me to know and for you to guess. Let me just say that I witnessed the invention of everything. And I kept good meeting notes.
"I wanted every planet to come with an instruction manual, but my suggestion was a nonstarter. I decided the next best thing I could do is release my notes. I hope they help clarify things for you.
"I sent them by Multi-Verse Mail to all the planets projected to have life on them that could read. As far as the earth goes, I addressed it to NewsLugh.com. I figured it would exist about the time the news would come in especially handy. Why a humor magazine? Hey, I think Im a bit of humorist myself.
"Sorry, but I have to be a little vague about the participants in the meeting, because theyre all very high up the totem pole of the universe and like to keep out of the spotlight. But I assure you that my notes are accurate.
"I thought Id start with the invention of sex, since that seems to be the foundation of a lot of things. This particular invention was a tough one because we werent sure how to make it work.
"For instance, some of the participants wanted direct physical contact. Others thought the male could mail his sperm to the female, and she could deposit it in an egg bank.
"Direct contact between the two, though it seemed like a daring idea at first, won on its overall merits.
"Then the question became, should it feel good or not? Im happy to say that feeling good won by a unanimous vote. After all, we wanted you to like us.
"Looking back, I think we made the right decisions, not only about sex, but about everything. And, speaking of everything, you'll find how it was invented in my notes, too, or, at least, the highlights, like land and water, air, light, people, other animals, and details like gravity and magnetism.
"I hope my doodles help you understand why things are the way they are and appreciate our handiwork. Nothing would make me happier.
"In conclusion, I just want you to know we did our best.
Now, who on earth could doubt the authenticity of such a self-evidently true document? The inventions will be presented in the order received in the priceless document. Heres the first one.
Once we voted to go ahead with the idea of the universe, we had to deal with a lot of details. In fact, the day after we took the vote, we had a crisis on our hands. If there was going to be something in the universe besides plain old planets and suns, especially something that might enjoy our big achievement, the item or items would have to have a way to replicate. We didnt want to have to show up every time the job had to get done.
At first, figuring out how it would work sounded easy enough. Who knew how many complications there would be? Ill just give you the top line. Heres how the discussion went.
I know weve all put in a long day, the CEO said, but nobody goes home till we put the lid on the reproduction issue, OK?
Everybody agreed with the big boss. So tonight would be the night we invented sex. I became excited just thinking about it. Since I cant identify the participants anymore than I do, youll just have to make do with the dialogue.
Are we sticking with the idea that most of them are incomplete in themselves?
Anybody want most creatures to be hermaphrodites?
Nobody raised their hands.
OK. So now we have these two halves. Lets pick a species so we can see what were talking about."
How about human beings?
I can go with that. What do we call the two halves?
How about men and women?
As in male and female?
Right."
"I like it. So back to the reason were working late. How do they reproduce?
Since there are two halves, theyll need some way to mix things together, so a third thing results, right?
Sounds on the money. So what do we call these two things?
How about the male has this thing we call a sperm, and the woman has this other thing we call an egg?
Brilliant. Now we have a sperm and an egg. Where do we go from here?
You mean, how do they get together?
Yeah.
What if the male mails his sperm to the female?
It arrives in her mailbox?
Right.
Might die on the way. Remember, in the early days they wont know about all the benefits of freezing, just weather-related incident.
Youre right. We have to give them time to discover advanced stuff for themselves.
Heres where I got in my big suggestion.
Hey, I have it. What if we provide each planet with an instruction manual?
Why would we do that?" the boss wanted to know. "We decided to give them brains, didnt we?
Yes, boss, but, you know, even an alarm clock comes with an instruction manual. Dont you think an entire planet could use one?
It would save the inhabitants a lot of grief, a pal of mine volunteered.
No, no, were smarter than that," the big boss told us. "We can create creatures that can figure things out for themselves, or Im ready to scrap the entire universe project right now.
But, boss
Look, would you buy a car that comes with a mechanic in the trunk? No. If we build the universe right, it should be able to drive out of here and do just fine on its own, OK?
OK, I said, just a thought.
Since that was the CEO talking, I knew I had to give in. But I knew right then what a great service it would be for me to keep good notes.
Now, back to the sperm and egg. What happens next?
I have it. What if we do direct deposit?
How would that work?
Well, wed give the male a tube and the woman a receptacle. He puts the tube in the receptacle and delivers the sperm.
Wheres the egg?
Where else? In the receptacle. Only way up there, so its safe.
Like it. Sounds like a plan.
Hold it. Are we sure the male should have the tube?
Lets just say for now, one half has a tube and the other half has a receptacle.
How do they work with that setup? Theyd have to be mighty close.
Hey, that sounds interesting.
What?
Being mighty close. It might even help them like each other.
Hmm, do you think theyll need help with that?
Who knows? Probably in some cases. I dont see any downside.
OK, so they get close. What happens next?
You mean, how does he make the deposit?
Right.
What do you think? He puts it in the receptacle.
But how does he get it in there? Wouldnt his tube have to be stiff?
Probably be a help to him.
Right. But should it be stiff all the time?
I dont think thats advisable. How would he, say, run from wild animals or look uninterested when he thought it would be attractive to a memeber of the female half?
Doesnt sound like good design to me. Lets match form and function here. Its only stiff when he needs it to be. OK?
Sounds right. So how does it get stiff?
I have it. What if they hold each other in their arms?
Yeah, yeah, go on.
And they rub their bodies together?
Why?
Lets say it makes them feel good and we tie feeling good in with stiffness. He feels good, up it goes.
What about the female half? Shouldnt she feel good, too?
Seems fair to me. Hey, I just thought of a win-win situation.
Whats that?
She feels good and helps the process along by creating some lubrication to help with the deposit.
Fantastic tie in.
Wed have to build that into the nerve endings.
I think we can manage that. The better they feel, the happier they are, right?
Before we get carried away with all this feel-good stuff, lets ask a more basic question. Should it feel good to replicate or should it be painful?
Do we want them to do it or dont we?
After all the work were doing to get them to the point where theyre on a planet and ready to go for it, we better want them to.
Ive got a build on that. What if we make it feel so good they cant resist doing it?
Now, theres an outstanding thought. You mean sort of an insurance policy that, no matter how dumb they might be in some things, at least, theyd reproduce, so some smarter people might come along.
Right.
Terrific concept. So lets go for it. All in favor of making sex feel so good they cant resist doing it raise their hands.
All the hands went up.
OK, thats it. Motion carried. Boy, are these creatures ever gonna love us. Anything else?
Well, we have to think of everybody. So, good as it feels, there are bound to be people who somehow decide sex isnt a good thing.
Are you kidding, with all the benefits were loading it with?"
Who knows, guilt of some kind?
About what? Were making the design choices, not them.
Of course. But you know how much we like variety. What a joy to see all the molecules combine this way and that! So we have to plan for everything. What do you think? Should the naysayers be able to resist doing it?
I think those few who have a negative viewpoint should be able to decline, but I think we should make it really tough for them. Its the solid middle ground.
I can accept that.
Good."
"Now, I want to get back to the design thing for a moment. Theyre rubbing their bodies together. Theyre feeling good. What happens?
What?
Brush burns.
What do you mean?
What are we making the skin out of, vinyl?
Youre right. Hey, I have it.
What?
We take an idea right off the top of their heads.
Whats that?
Hair. We put some hair down there, sort of like a cushion.
Long hair like they have on their heads? That might complicate things.
I have it. What if we make a special kind of short, fuzzy hair? Form and function, perfectly joined.
Do you think theyll be OK with that? Does it seem too animal?
It might embarrass them, particularly in the early days, when theyre trying to distance themselves from the other creatures we plan to introduce.
You mean, like monkeys?
Exactly.
I dont know. I think having some hair here and there might help them feel more at home with the other creatures.
Instead of all by their lonesome selves on some otherwise desolate planet?
"Right."
Good insight. Very harmonious. I want you to know that. OK, so lets recap it and take a vote. Here it is. The male has a tube. Can we agree on that?
Im too tired to go on about who has what.
Good. Its getting late. So lets move on.
Hold it, hold it, lets not rush ahead too fast.
What do you mean?
What makes the sperm go from the tube way up to where the egg is?
Excellent question. Any thoughts?
How about this? At some point, during all the rubbing together, he feels so good he launches it toward the woman.
Yeah, yeah, but what powers the launch?
What else do we have to work with? Muscle power. You know, they contract.
OK, thats it. The muscles start to contract and we have a launch.
And it feels good.
Really good. And what about the woman. She has muscles, too.
When youre right, youre right. So her muscles start to contract.
Yeah, but why?
I have it. So out comes the lubrication.
Love it. Equality if I ever heard it.
I have another way to make nice.
What? We havent made this enough fun yet?
No, no, get this. We give the male a really big reward when he deposits the sperm, and the female an equally big reward when she lubricates the receptacle. Then theyll want to do it even more and, when they think how much pleasure we put into the design, theyre love us like crazy.
Great observation. So what do we call this good feeling?
What else? The climax.
Done. A climax it is.
Can I just enlarge on that?
Sure.
Well, after they do it and she finds herself with a little replica inside of her, shes going to have to go through a lot, while the guy just sits back and thinks, Wow, look what I did. So I think she should get a reward commensurate with her responsibilities.
Good thinking. Anybody got any suggestions?
I have it. What if she can feel good more often than the guy?
You mean she can have multiple climaxes?
Why not? It would be tied to all the rubbing around, not just the launch. Besides, when it comes to lubrication, whos counting?
Is this getting hot or not? I think weve covered it. Anything else before we take a vote.
One thing. If sex is going to feel as good as we say it is, theyll want to do it a lot. But theres no way one woman can have that many kids.
Youre right. Not only that, how can we ask one man to support that many? So the question is, can they only do it when they have making kids on their minds to help them get excited?
Thats a lot of holding back.
Right. So whats the answer?
Well, lets think about that. If theyre holding each other in their arms, rubbing around together and feeling good, and then we have a climax hey, maybe they even both go off at the same time the whole experience might be a great way just to get them in each others arms to help them care about each other.
You mean, sort of amity through proximity?
Right. Theyre in each others arms, it feels good, so they feel good about each other. Hey, maybe when they love each other it even becomes one way they express love. How about that for a fantastic concept?
Great. Just great. Anything else?
Just a detail. You know Im a numbers guy.
What?
Well, we know we want them to succeed at replication, so how does that influence the supply of sperm and eggs?
Good point. Any suggestions?
Sure. More is more. All we do is make sure the guy has plenty of sperm to launch and the lady has a plenty of eggs to drop.
We need to get specific. First, lets deal with the man. How about a hundred a pop?
A hundred? Come on, man, we think bigger than that. I refer you to the overall plan. The universe, we agree, is going to be based on numbers in the zillions planets, stars, you name it.
So what if we give the male zillions of sperm.
That may be overdoing it. Im not sure he could get around with that much sperm between his legs.
What if we settle for billions?
Still seems like more than the required amount.
Millions, then?
Per launch?
Yeah. How can he miss?
OK. Then, like, what about the number of eggs?
We wouldnt want him fertilizing millions of eggs at a time.
You got that right. We cant have the woman trying to make room for that many replicas at once. How about it, as a control, we just provide for one egg at a time.
Sounds good, but a little too predictable. What if every so often there are two, three, four, even five of them?
Why dont we just agree that generally there will be one and once in a while two or more.
And get this. What if from time to time after the sperm meets up with the egg, the combo can split? So we get a twofer two babies for one good timer? Its like what theyll one day call a BOGO sale: buy one, get one free.
Now weve got some really interesting variety going. So the guy has millions of sperm, and the woman has
An egg a month.
OK, seems workable. But lets examine the implications of that. The woman produces an egg a month for how long?
Oh, maybe thirty-five, forty years. We dont want her having kids when it will be too hard on her body.
OK, and the male produces millions of sperm every time he gets excited, maybe three times or so a week for how long?
He could go for more years since he doesnt have to carry the child.
Might also be a good idea, because the males will get into more trouble, especially in the early days, when they have to go out and hunt for dinner, etc.
Youre right. So lets let him be ready for launch for, say, 50 years or, if hes quite a guy, even longer?
Sounds right. Over their lifetimes, he produces billions of sperm and she produces hundreds of eggs.
How can they miss? I think weve got reproduction nailed.
Before we wrap things up, lets ask the tough question. What about all the sperm and eggs that dont make it? What do we to think about them? After all, every one of them will be a genetcally unique, one-of-a-kind potential offspring?
Well, at least, on a per-planet basis. Let's make the numbers work for their benfit and ours."
"How do we do that?"
"Simple as a dimple. When they realize the enormous odds against being the one or two offspring, theyll appreciate how lucky they are to be the sperm and egg that met up.
You mean the odds against a successful hookup help them appreciate their lives?
Exactamundo! Know anything else with odds against it like that?
I think that about wraps it up. Lets vote on it. All in agreement with sex as weve invented it?
The yeas were unanimous.
So we knocked off for the night. We knew we had a big day ahead of us. In fact, quite a few big days.
Tom Attea, humorist and creator of
http://NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway. Critics have called his writing "delightfully funny," "witty," with "great humor and ebullience" and "good, genuine laughs."
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